Making the First Move Clear

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had this discussion with girls: What is he thinking? Are we just friends? I don’t want to read into anything, but I have no idea what his intentions are! And he asks these probing questions, but does he really expect me to answer a hypothetical “would you date me” question? How am I supposed to respond to that? Why can’t he just tell me what he wants?!

And all the women in the world said, “Amen.”

Why can’t he just tell us what he wants? I think many women wish for the days when courtship was something that was easy to see (why do think we love Jane Austen novels so much?). If a suitor was pursuing a girl, she knew. It was obvious to her and to those around her because there were societal rules and norms for how to pursue. And it was always led by the man. But then the sexual revolution happened and chaos between the sexes ensued.

Women don’t know what to do anymore. We still want to be the pursued, not the pursuer. But then we get into these friendships with guys and we don’t know how to read the signs. We try not to read into anything, but it’s difficult. Especially when guys start asking questions like “Would you ever date a guy like me? What does he have that I don’t? Am I your type?” Those questions put women in an awkward position—it can appear to change the role of pursuer and pursued. And we don’t want to be the pursuer. And we don’t even know if those questions mean you want to pursue. We have no idea what those questions are supposed to mean. So guys, make things easier on us all and don’t ask them. [For the record, I’m not talking about all guy-girl friendships—there are specific friendships where this type of thing happens.]

I don’t think guys know what to do anymore either. There’s no clarity between gender roles. What does it mean to be a good woman or a good man in the 21^st Century? There’s a whole lot of “what not to do” out there, but little instruction on what to do and far too many mixed messages in the media. That will be an entirely different post, but as it relates to pursuing here are my thoughts and recommendations.

First and foremost, women want to be pursued. As I said in an earlier post, woman’s deepest desire is to be wanted. The clearest way to see that a man wants a woman is that he pursues her. He doesn’t wait for her to come to him. So for the men reading this post, make the first move. Be the pursuer. Don’t let her be confused as to your intentions. It’s as simple as saying, “I’d like to pursue you and see where this goes, if that’s ok with you.” Even if she is not interested in being anything more than friends, she’ll respect you for your clarity (and probably want to set you up with every good friend she has because she realizes what a catch you are). And--bonus--being so direct is considered assertive and, as I've covered before, women like assertive, dominant men.

Now, if you’re a guy and you’re just friends with girls be sure to not ask vague, leading questions like I mentioned above. Male-female friendships are totally doable—just be sure to keep it casual. If you’re texting her frequently every day, sending “good morning” or “good night” messages, and frequently going out together with just the two of you then you are sending the wrong signals. Ask yourself “Would our relationship look to others like we’re dating?” If so, then there’s a good chance that she’s confused about your intentions. And don’t think you can have one DTR (define the relationship) conversation where you tell her you aren’t interested and then continue to act the same as before. She’ll continue to be confused—actions speak louder than words, remember?

I’d also like to remind women to be kind and generous if a guy makes his intentions clear. If you aren’t interested, be respectful and direct in your response. No, ‘Right now I just want to be friends’ talk—that leaves it open for later and is disrespectful to him. If you aren’t interested, simply say “I think we should just stay friends, but I’m really flattered.” Being direct allows him to move on to find someone who does reciprocate his feelings.

And finally, since I just threw the word ‘feelings’ out there, I’d like to also remind women that it isn’t easy for guys to talk about their feelings. Even the “I’d like to pursue you” is difficult for men to say—so be aware of that and be very thankful when he puts aside his own discomfort for you. It takes courage and women should respect that.

So men, please be the leader and make the first move. Women everywhere will sing your praises for it.

[For the record, this is no passive aggressive attempt on my part to any male in my life. This conversation has just happened so often with women I know that I wanted to clear the air.]

The Power of Women

They may talk of a comet, or a burning mountain, or some such bagatelle; but to me a modest woman, dressed out in all her finery, is the most tremendous object of the whole creation. ~Oliver Goldsmith

Here's something I've never understood. Why would a movement with "feminine" as the root word base it's idealogy on making women less feminine and more masculine? Did they have no idea how powerful their femininity was? How important feminine qualities are to society?

Let's go back to the beginning and see what God intended...before mankind fell and it all went awry.

Genesis 2:7 "the Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being." (NIV)

Genesis 2:8-19 Paraphrase: God told man to take care of the garden and work in it.

Genesis 2:18 "The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

Genesis 2:19-20 Paraphrase: God brought all the animals to man and had him name them. God realized none of these would be a suitable helper for man.

Genesis 2:21-24 "So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, He took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, 'This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman' for she was taken out of man.' For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh."

The following are taken from "Fashioned for Intimacy" by Hansen and Powers
"They were open, naked and transparent before one another. There was an awareness that God had made them for each other, that He had specifically fashioned this union and there would be interdependency between them. Although they were two separate beings having very different qualities, their destiny was to be together...the two who would together express the image of God."

"Not a mother...not a child...not even another man who would be so much like him that he would never be challenged beyond his own nature and instincts...Someone on an equal par--his other self taken from his side--who would stand 'boldly out opposite' him and call him forth in a way no one else could."

"Divide and conquer has been an effective tactic of many a war strategist, a tactic of which Satan is a master."

"Satan ultimately purposed to silence the woman, to render her useless and powerless in the man's life."

Upon hearing that line "silence the woman...render her useless" you probably immediately think of pre-1950 when women were considered less, weaker, and ignorant compared to men. But what about now? With a society that tells women (and essentially men) that men aren't needed? Man's basic desire is to be needed; woman's basic desire is to be wanted. So what does it do to men to tell them we don't need them? It hurts them on a very deep, significant level. When someone hurts us like that, don't we usually ignore anything else they have to say? They've lost the right to speak anything into our lives because they've wounded us. I would propose that is exactly what happened. 

And how did men respond? They said fine, but now we'll only want you on a superficially sexual level--and we'll embrace the disrespectful aspect of it. So man's deepest need was undercut, and now so is woman's. Divide.and.Conquer.

The truth is men and women need each other and want each other. And women have been created in such a way as to capture man's attention and that desire for woman can make them do all kinds of crazy things--start wars, launch 1,000 ships, fight dragons (metaphorically speaking), traverse crazy long distances, and challenge their very nature to be a better person to therefore capture his woman. Did you catch that? Challenge his very nature. Men and women are different and were created so to help each other become more like Christ. The tender love, caring, encouraging feminine qualities help men learn how to be vulnerable, to become emotionally intimate--something that does not come naturally to them.

"...the initial problem God identified, and for which woman was fashioned to resolve, was the 'aloneness' of the man. She was designed and equipped in such a way that she would 'surround and protect' him against, not only his physical aloneness, but also his emotional aloneness--that part of him that easily remains aloof, isolated and unavailable." Fashioned for Intimacy

So here's my charge to women: Be the woman you were created to be. You are beautiful and dignified in your femininity so wear it with pride. Men will respect you for it, and love you for it.

My charge to men: Encourage femininity in the women around you. Let them know it's safe for them to be feminine--that you won't disparage them for it but rather appreciate it.

And I'll end with this quote which has been on my Facebook profile for years:
"One of the unfortunate sequelae of the feminist movement is a lack of respect for the uniqueness and specialness of femininity and masculinity."